Why I Stop Being a People-Pleaser

If there were an award for someone who constantly sought approvals from others, I would be seated on the front row as one of the nominees (I promise I wouldn't mouth, "If I don't win, I'm leaving" like J-Law). As bad as it may sound on paper, I used to have this tendency to people-please as an attempt at conflict avoidance. Be it something crucial like work (e.g., I tried to finish everything as fast as possible so my supervisors did not have to wait that long) or something more mundane (e.g., I succumbed to the other option except for mine), old habits died hard.

Needless to say, people-pleasing had eventually taken its toll on me. Let's use the time I was so snowed under as an example. It was the most hectic time of my life. I bet my supervisors would understand if I missed a deadline or two. So why on earth did it feel like I was disappointing them with every failed task? I cursed the inadequacy of the 24-hour calculation as if the world should also share the blame ("It's 2 a.m. already? What the heck!"). I became so hard on myself.

In the end, no longer did being with people bring out the best in me. Everything had slowly dwindled into an endless chore of smiling, nodding, and looking quick-witted. But it was sacrificing my desires and needs for the thought of being accepted—thus becoming someone I loathed—that did it. I knew I had to put an end to this. It needed to stop.

So I did what I should have done a long time ago: I reevaluated my point of view. And doing so should be celebrated like it's the eighth wonder of the world. I felt like doing something for the book.

***

Almost everything is easier said than done (except for music theory, fight me), so I realize how hard it can be for some of us to practice self-love. I cannot stress its importance enough, but I believe that there is no getting better without self-love. You want to heal because you love your body—the same thing goes to your mind.

While it's important to keep spreading kindness to others, it's also vital to remember that you should also be the receiver for the rest to get off the right footing. Taking your desires and needs into account is not selfish. Sacrificing them due to fear of offending others, on the other hand, is. You're not being fair to yourself. And that can be harmful in the long run.

People-pleasing is not an act of love. It's not something you do out of kindness either. It's an egotistical act that might trigger temporary satisfaction at the expense of losing sight of who you are. From one longtimer to another, I would say that it's not worth it. You are not what people think. You are much, much more than that.

I kept telling myself those mantras during the early stages. Now engraved on my mind, the magic works even more wonderfully. Instead of forcing something beyond my control, I will now say, "I'm sorry, but this isn't working out for me. We should find another solution." Instead of agreeing for the sake of avoiding conflict, I will now say, "I think you should consider this..." and kindly add, "Or it might backfire on you one day." Instead of saying a perfunctory yes to an unwanted invitation, I will now say, "Oh, I don't think I'll go. I'll let you know if I change my mind though." 

Nine out of ten people won't be offended, so failing the last one doesn't mean you're a disappointment (and it feels liberating to live by that).

Pictured above: 365 Days of Wonder: Mr. Browne's Book of Precepts by R.J. Palacio

So... I conclude that even if it's hard, changing yourself for the better is not impossible. One step forward is still a step forward. I believe that even a tiny movement can be a positive reinforcement we need to keep going.

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