Why I Stop Being a People-Pleaser

If there were an award for someone who constantly sought approval from others, I would be seated in the front row as one of the nominees (I promise I wouldn't mouth, "If I don't win, I'm leaving" like J-Law). As bad as it may sound on paper, I used to have a strong tendency to people-please as a way to avoid conflict. Whether it was something crucial like work (e.g., I rushed to finish everything so my supervisors wouldn't have to wait), or something more mundane (e.g., I always gave in to everyone else's preferences over mine), old habits die hard.

Needless to say, people-pleasing eventually took its toll. Take the time I was completely snowed under, for example. It was the most hectic period of my life. I bet my supervisors would have understood if I missed a deadline or two. So why did it feel like I was failing them with every unfinished task? I cursed the inadequacy of a 24-hour day, as if the world should also share the blame ("It's 2 a.m. already? What the heck!"). I became incredibly hard on myself.

In the end, being around people no longer brought out the best in me. Everything slowly became an endless performance of smiling, nodding, and trying to appear quick-witted. But what really broke me was the fact that I was sacrificing my own desires and needs for the illusion of acceptance—ultimately becoming someone I didn't even like. That was when I knew something had to change.

So I did what I should have done a long time ago: I reevaluated my perspective. And honestly, that moment deserves to be celebrated like it's the eighth wonder of the world. I felt like I had done something worth putting in a book.

***

Almost everything is easier said than done (except for music theory—fight me), and I know how hard it can be to practice self-love. I can't stress its importance enough, but I truly believe that there is no getting better without it. You want to heal because you love your body—the same should go for your mind.

While it's important to spread kindness to others, it's just as vital to remember that you deserve kindness too. You should be among the first to receive it, so the rest can fall into place. Taking your desires and needs into account is not selfish. Sacrificing them out of fear of offending others? That is. That’s not fair to yourself, and it can be harmful in the long run.

People-pleasing isn’t an act of love. It’s not something you do out of kindness either. It’s an ego-driven response that offers temporary relief—at the cost of losing sight of who you are. From one longtimer to another, I can tell you: it’s not worth it.

You are not what people think.

You are much, much more than that.

I kept repeating those mantras during the early stages. Now that they're engraved in my mind, the magic works even better.

Instead of forcing something beyond my control, I now say, "I'm sorry, but this isn't working out for me. We should find another solution."

Instead of agreeing just to avoid conflict, I now say, "I think you should consider this..." and kindly add, "Or it might backfire on you one day."

Instead of saying a perfunctory yes to an unwanted invitation, I now say, "Oh, I don't think I'll go. I'll let you know if I change my mind, though." 

Nine out of ten people won't be offended, so failing the last one doesn't make you a disappointment. It feels liberating to live by that truth.

Pictured above: 365 Days of Wonder: Mr. Browne's Book of Precepts by R.J. Palacio

So... I've come to a conclusion: even if it's hard, changing yourself for the better is not impossible. One step forward is still a step forward. Even the tiniest movement can be the positive reinforcement we need to keep going.