When Fun Turns to Fear: Another Reason Why I Don't Think I Can Be Famous

I can never be famous. I really don't think I can.

A couple of weeks ago, after months of taking a break from mobile games, I returned to my old habit of playing Mobile Legends: Bang Bang on my phone. For me, it was addicting—not because I was determined to reach the top of the leaderboard (heck, my gaming skills are average at best), but because playing it with friends was just so much fun.

Last week, when I entered a ranked match in Mobile Legends with only my boyfriend, everyone else picked their roles so quickly. The only roles left unclaimed were the EXP-lane hero and the marksman. Since my boyfriend was kind enough to let me choose first, I had time to think about what would work best.

If I had my way, being the key player wouldn't be my first choice (too much pressure for an average player like me!!!), but I knew I was more confident with a marksman. After some thought, I went with a hero named Miya. From past experience, I knew I was quite effective with her, so I wasn't too worried.

The game finally started. I went to the gold lane because that’s where a marksman is supposed to be. It turned out that the marksman on the opposing team wasn’t alone. He was accompanied by the Roaming hero the whole time.

After a few minutes, I realized I wasn't going to get any help. The Roaming hero on my team never once came to my lane. I was all alone. Doing what I was supposed to in the early game—collect gold and protect my turret—was pretty hard, since it was one versus two the entire time. I fell behind in gold. My turret was destroyed. And still, no one came to help.

Miya was finally killed.

At first, I was determined to turn things around. The game was still early anyway. I planned to play super safe while collecting as much gold as possible. Since the Roaming hero was nowhere to be found and my boyfriend was in the farthest lane from me, that seemed like a solid idea. But things didn’t go according to plan. I got… verbally attacked. One of my teammates used the chat box to bully me.

It was awful. I felt embarrassed and useless, completely losing the ability to think clearly. My cheeks felt hot. I was on the verge of crying. But the hate train didn’t stop. Mean messages kept coming my way. After a while, both my boyfriend and I muted the team chat so we wouldn’t see anything.

It helped. Or at least, a little. I was slightly calmer, but I couldn’t focus as well as before. I knew I wasn’t that bad, but my team kept trash-talking me—now through the enemy chat box. I could still see their responses.

I wanted to quit mid-game so badly. I felt like dropping out altogether. But with my boyfriend’s support, I tried to finish what I had started. It was hard. Very hard. When the game finally ended, I shut down my phone, took a deep breath, and just… stared blankly.

Okay, I won’t lie. The fear of being verbally attacked (again) still lingers, even though almost a week has passed. Like an ant leaving trails of acid, the memory still stings from the inside. I tried to play again with my friends after a few days, but nothing felt the same. I found no joy in playing. All I could focus on was whether I made a mistake or played badly. If I ever play Miya again, she'll probably feel soulless.

To this day, I still don’t understand how some people can say such mean things to someone they don’t even know. Is it a trend to turn everything into a blame game? If so, count me out. I know I make mistakes, but I don’t think bullying anyone is ever justified. Look at the repercussions—while they can easily move on with their lives, a part of me will never be the same.

After that hurtful experience, my boyfriend tried to assess it objectively. Our team losing that day wasn’t entirely my fault, he said. As I had already noticed, the Roaming hero on my team didn’t help at all—his skills kept missing the targets—while the Jungler bought the wrong items. Instead of buying damage items, he went for tank builds, so our team ended up with two tank-built heroes. “It’s easier to blame someone else, no? Let them talk. At least we’re better than that,” he added.

If there's anything I took from that situation, it’s this bitter truth: not everyone will be there to support you. As much as you want to believe they’re on your team, they’re not always… there. We just need to understand that in life, there are always things we can’t control, and that’s okay. At least my initial reaction to the bullying wasn’t to return the hatred. I’m proud of that.

So, yes, like I said earlier, I don't think I can ever be famous. If a verbal attack in a mobile game can make me feel this small and worthless, I can’t imagine what more strangers on the internet could do. I’d probably write long-ass paragraphs about it (longer than this one), for starters.

P.S. Remember to always be kind. Words matter, even if it's not a real-life interaction.