The Complicated Math of Kindness (And Why It’s Hard to Admit!)

So, I’ve recently come across the thought that maybe it’s easier to do good deeds for people we don’t personally know than for the ones we do.

And even though it’s probably not ideal to say this, I think it might even be better that way.

As someone who was born with a heart that’s easily… touched, I often feel the pull to do something good. If a person is nice to me—or even just acts remotely decent—I want to be kind too, sometimes by going the extra mile. In my mind, it’s a sort of soft appreciation I want to give. And I don’t think I expect anything in return…

Or, as it turns out, anything tangible.

Recently, I realized that even if I don’t expect anything material from someone I’ve gone the extra mile for, I still hope for something in return. I want basic decency. I want common courtesy. I might not be waiting for a gift, but I do want the same respect I gave them in the first place.

To my great surprise (and mild disappointment), that doesn’t always happen. And by “not always,” I mean… most of the time.

(Let’s be real: what should I expect? Humans suck sometimes. And I’m human too—I suck sometimes.)

At first, I was filled with guilt and silent shame. “A good deed should be selfless! A deed is no longer good if you expect anything in return,” my mind seemed to remind me. But after too many similar experiences, my perspective started to shift. Those disappointments eventually made me believe that it might actually be easier—and perhaps healthier—to do good things for people we don’t know, because there’s no emotional connection attached.

For instance, I can help a stranger and then we simply move on with our lives. I don’t know what kind of person they are—whether they’re kind, unappreciative, or performative. There’s nothing tying us together in the first place. I’m just a stranger helping another stranger, and afterward we respectfully go our separate ways. No judgment, no expectations.

But I can’t do that with someone I consider a friend. I can’t simply “move on with my life” if a so-called friend does something hurtful.

And I also can’t stop myself when resentment starts to build.

After I talked about this with my boyfriend, he said that it’s still good to do good things for people we know. We just need to have better filters. We will always meet people who lack basic decency, so it’s better to focus on doing good without losing respect for ourselves in the process.

What do you guys think?

If you like this post, you might also enjoy On Valuing What I Create and January Thought: On Protecting the Joy of Writing.