Holding Space for What I Can’t Control: Why I’m Done Rationalizing

I think one of the most useless things I’ve ever done this year is trying so hard to make sense of other people’s actions. “Why are they so condescending?” or “Why do they talk so much but never listen?” or “Why do they act so unfairly?” My mind couldn’t comprehend the injustice, so I tried to come up with a coherent explanation.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. Instead of rationalizing those acts, I eventually ended up getting obsessed with them. “Maybe they just don’t think it through… I mean, they’re much older anyway—that’s probably why they don’t take me seriously,” I reasoned. “But that doesn’t explain why they’re acting so unfairly!”

As someone who has tried so hard not to take advantage of others, I hated feeling cheated. (As hard as I tried to understand, I couldn’t.) I hated the inability to stand up for myself because the repercussions would be much more damaging otherwise. And I hated that complaining would make me the bad guy.

Even though I disliked the actions but not the person, the sentiment made it hard for me to practice compassion for them. I was so full of hatred that I didn’t realize how full I was of negative energy. My mind also went into full alert mode, unable to relax. It was on the lookout for a possible unfair situation so that I had time to dodge it like a volleyball before it even happened.

I didn’t feel peace. I felt wary.

After some weeks had gone by with this haunting wariness, I realized what I did was unhealthy and pointless. Whether I like it or not, some people do what they do because that’s just who they are. (Hard and ugly—that’s the truth.) Some of them will still do what they do regardless of how good I’ve been to them, or how far I’ve made myself unavailable. In the end, they’re the ones in control of what they do. If they still choose that route, it’s not my job to make up an explanation.

Now, I understand what I should do instead: stay unbothered, stay positive, and maintain a safe distance. I shouldn’t let what they do get to me, since it says more about them than it does about me.

From now on, I promise myself to keep that healthy distance—and to think less about them or their actions, too. At the end of the day, closure isn’t always necessary. Sometimes, all we need is a silent farewell and the strength to keep moving forward.

If you like this post, you might also enjoy Why I Doubt Being Called “Kind”—And Why That’s Okay and The Warmest Lesson I Learned (Even If It Hurt a Little).